Wellllllll something's bothering me right now & I get this sucky feeling when im bored!

(Explains why im here huh)

I really miss my close friends. Like, really.

I miss Alan. I feel like we're drifting apart...

We used to email each other whenever he's in UK and hang out when he's back.

In the past, when he came back, he would call/sms me straight away and we would hang out whenever possible.

He made me feel like I was important in his life cus he grabbed any opportunity to go out with me.

Then as time went by, we still emailed, but didnt really cherish each other's company whenever he was back.

He'd go out with others more often while I didnt treasure him as much.

& Now?

You guessed it.

We dont even email each other anymore.

Yeah to be honest, it kinda breaks my heart.

Cus he's the one and only person that hasnt left me yet.

But well, I'll do my part by contacting him when he's back :)

Shall not lose hope!

JinKai too.

I hope he has already stopped visiting my blog man lol.

We used to be so tight! (Like friends-wise duh)

We shared everything. (Well, to me that is)

Any time when we needed to go out, we'd call each other.

We didnt care about rumours & just stayed as best friends.

Even simple & impromptu stuff like heading to Kallang Macs to study, movies & just hanging out cus we're bored were alllll w him.

He's just someone who I feel I can depend on. & the feeling was awesome.

Like, whenever you need someone, be it happy times or sad times, hes' the first person I'd think of, yknw? Yeah that kinda feeling.

Its kinda hard to describe, but it was so comfortable hanging out w him.

We'd take turns to ask each other out.

But as usual, as time went by, I became the one asking him to go out.

& if that wasent bad enough, he even rejected a couple of times simply cus he was lazy or whatever.

Yeah I could sense that we were drifting apart definitely.

But it takes two hands to clap. What else could I do?

We used to talk quite alot too, through msn & hp.

Now, the only time we talk is when we head for tuition or ask each other abt tuition stuff.

We can even not talk to each other for a month I think.

Yeah this also breaks my heart, seeing how we've drifted apart.

People like my shifu too.

She was like my bigggg sista seriously.

We didnt meet often, but we would talk from time to time.

We would honestly listen to each other's sorrows and happiness.

I dont see that sincerity in our conversations anymore...

& when we were free to hang out, we would grab the chance to meet up.

But now...... im free, she's free, we said we would meet up, but we dont.

I miss her, really.

I miss how she made my birthday during the comps memorable.

I miss how tight we were in the past.

I miss how similar we are and how she can read my mind.

LeckQi too yeah.

I dont wanna say too much.

I just wanna say that she's the only junior that matters so much in my life.

No other juniors can take her place definitely.

Cus I just feel a bond with her. A bond that can never be felt by any other juniors (Sorry)

I was happy cus we used to share alot w each other as well.

Tease each other, call each other names, and we were really close.

Its hard to maintain such a bond cus we were close through being childish and kiddish.

& we both had to grow up, with or without a choice.

Im just glad I ever had such a junior that made me truly feel like a senior.

I'll never forget that bond :)

Of course, those who are not mentioned here are not excluded as well.

I still miss my pri sch friends, sec sch friends and tabletennis mates.

Deep down, I miss them as much as I miss those names I mentioned above.

-

I dont know if the problem lies w me.

I've drifted apart from all my close friends so it does seem like there's a problem w me.

I admit that I find it tough to find out who I truly am.

It's been a struggle to also change who I am.

I mean, I've always believed in being true to yourself and not changing who you are.

But I believe in changing for the better, without betraying your true self. Get it?

Ok nvm if you dont.

I've really really really been trying to figure out who I am & changing for the better.

I really am. But, it seems that im failing huh?

I used to be so pessimistic. I still am, but I constantly make an effort to look at the bright side of things.

Its not that my life has become better. No it hasnt.

My life is still as awful as last time, or even worse at times. Especially this year.

Its just that I like to at least make an effort to be optimistic cus I feel that faking a smile,

or at least trying to be optimistic doesnt affect people around you.

If you can put a smile on other's faces rather than a frown, why not?

I used to be so anti-social. I still am, but I try to be sociable from time to time.

Its not that Ive really become sociable, I havent.

Im still as sensitive, and thats why I dislike initiating conversations with strangers cus I feel people are constantly judging me.

But I just pull out that small amt of courage to try and be sociable,

cus I've learnt that even one small gesture like 'hello' can make a difference in others' lives.

Sometimes if I try to be sociable, and it turns out the person still doesnt like me/doesnt appreciate it etc,

then lets take it as a mistake that I made.

But I believe for every one person that rejects my gesture, there's another one that will accept it.

It's so hard you know. To try. But I will never give up trying.

So I urge people who are facing obstacles in their lives to continue trying to be better.

Sometimes, when obstacles come my way, I really feel like giving up on being strong.

& when I feel lonely, I really feel like just letting myself feel that way and blaming myself for not being good enough.

But I refuse to cus im tired of feeling so crappy.

So I try, try to improve myself.

It's so exhausting at times cus I feel that it's not working.

Im not done trying. I'll continue to do so. I just dont know how long I can hold this 'hope' for.

This song depicts the life of this Philippines singer called Charice.

She's like my only idol.

Her amazing voice, humble & kind character is what inspires me.

She just got the whole package to be an awesome role model.

& I feel that I can relate alot to this song too.

I hope one day, I'll be able to be as strong as her.

♥ 1:03 AM